Delusions of Grandeur (#3)

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02 Jun 20114 comments
This is a personal entry for my 30-day Trusting Myself challenge, part of Seth Godin's #Trust30 project, inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Today's Challenge:

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What's one strong belief you possess that isn't shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

Today's Entry:

I have delusions of grandeur. I don't mean that I believe I could run for Mayor or become regional pie-eating champion. I daydream about singlehandedly battling an army of cyber-ninjas on my way to the UN to give the speech that will usher in world peace and end the boy-band scourge once and for all. I suspect this particular style of fantasy ends for most people around age 12. I'll be 41 next month.

It's not that I'm crazy (waits for derisive laughter to end)...

Ok, I'm not Capital-C Crazy. I don't actually believe that I'll win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry by inventing the self-replicating pie. I can't even say that I "believe in myself", at least not in the traditional sense. I'm plagued by self-doubt, most days. I've learned to get past it and do the work, but it's always there.

I'd like to say that I believe anything is possible, but that's not quite it either. I don't believe I can fly, no matter how hard I wish. I'm quite sure I can splat, given enough altitude.

I don't believe in destiny or the guiding hand of fate. Wait, that's a Rush song.

I do believe that I'm capable of more than I've done. It's more than that — I think untapped potential is useless — I believe that I WILL do more, that I'm on a path to something amazing. I believe that I'll change the world, even if I'm 105 when it happens. I believe that I'll see the Earth from space one day. I believe that my wife and I will raise an amazing daughter, and that she'll change the world, too, as soon as she stops eating books and lint.

I don't think you can survive in this world without believing something that is, at its core, completely insane. I've read that depression isn't just the belief that bad things will happen. Depression is tricking your mind to believe that those bad things have already happened. Maybe optimism isn't just the belief that good things are possible. It's the certainty that good things are inevitable.

In my mind, those cyber ninjas are smoldering on the battlefield and the remaining members of N-Sync are being hauled off to The Hague for crimes against humanity. Except Justin Timberlake — I'll need him on my team for the robot uprising.

03 Jun – Sean

My concept of reality is too tenuous as it is to accept this point of view. I do agree that this is unique to you. You rarely, if ever, demonstrate any amount of self doubt. It is admirable and frustrating at the same time.

03 Jun – Dr. Pete

@Sean - It's funny, but as I get the chance to talk more with people I've admired from a distance, most of whom I assumed were always confident, I realize just how universal self-doubt is. I feel it every single day.

I guess I just feel like the line between feeling that doubt and living it is so thin, that showing it for more than a few seconds here and there could tip the balance and send me hurtling in the wrong direction. So, I try to push it back as long as I can.

04 Jun – Roberta

I still expect to go into space, race at Daytona and win the Eventing gold medal at the Olympics. Piece of cake for a 57 y/o cancer survivor, nurse and dog rescuer. Thanks for being a bit crazy. Lift off!

04 Jun – Dr. Pete

@Roberta - I have to admit, I had to look up "Eventing". I keep trying to ride horses, but they seem to have formed some sort of conspiracy against me. I've been thrown, backed into a fence, and almost sat on. So, I bequeath that crazy dream entirely to you ;)